Punch Buggy 2.0

By Chris

See a VW Bug and punch someone. That shit be boring yo, it’s time to 2k this game. Do we still ass “2k” to things to make them sound new and hip? The kids are still doing that, right?

In honor of our annual pilgrimage to the holy land that is PAX East we’ve decided to share our ridiculously convoluted version of this ancient and sacred game.

Punch Buggy 2.0: The Game of Games

To start off, the number of Volkswagen Beetles on the road is too damn high. Shouting one out and taking a swing at who ever is in range has just lost all meaning, sure you can keep track of who won by counting welts but that is just far too uncivilized for the classy mother fuckers of RQP.

The Basics

Spot a Beetle and calling out the appropriate color now puts 1/2 point on the board. Don’t get too excited yet because you ain’t won shit. Who ever successfully calls the next Beetle gains the point. The only exception is a classic Beetle, which gives a full point and leaves any previous 1/2 still on the board and up for grabs. If you think a ’97 “New Beetle” counts as a classic, you probably also think Bumble Bee is a Camaro, kindly get the fuck off my lawn.

Needless Complication

That whole point system was not nearly stupid enough for us so we decided to add more cars to the mix. First is the Mini Cooper, calling one is worth a full point. Unlike the classic Beetles, all other cars clear the board of any half points. The special case here is a classic Mini with an English flag painted on the roof… that shit just instantly wins the game (which you just lost). Why? Cause England prevails

or something. Obviously this may cause complications if actually playing in England but oh fucking well, if it wasn’t for us you’d all be driving Volkswagens anyway.

With all cars you must call the correct color or you lose a point. This may seem simple at first until you realize the bullshit color pallet that Minis come in. Do you call the black Mini you see in the distance, or wait til it gets closer and identify it as the hangover shit brown it actually is?

Next special car is the Fiat, which lets you steal a point from every other player. If they have no point to steal, feel free to mock them for sucking at life.

A Smart Car will reset everyone’s points to zero. Clear the board and level the playing field. Unless whoever calls it has the most points, in which case it does nothing. Proceed to once again mock the other player’s life of suck.

Bringing Back the Violence

Oh you thought we were just sticking with a non violent point system? This is war you bunch of fucking Care Bears! A Porsche is our newest and my personal favorite addition. If you spot one, shout “Porsche Punch Point” and you get to punch everyone else trapped in the car with you. Of course if you fuck this phrase up in any way, everyone else gets to hit you. This includes pronouncing it “Porsha” like the douche canoe we all know you are.

Now get out there and bask in the glory of this elite game revision. You can add more cars to the mix, but you would be a heretic and blasphemer. Please join the “New Beetle” kids far away from my lawn.

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