It’s Not Gruel. It’s Fuel.

By Darryl


For me, PAX East 2014 will always be synonymous with Pwnmeal. I saw giant advertisements for the Extreme Gaming Oatmeal on display throughout the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center on the first day (after all, only a n00b would skip breakfast, the most important meal of the day), and I laughed as I sifted through the swag bag and found an actual packet of Pwnmeal tossed in with League of Legends skin codes, some beta keys and a Magic: The Gathering deck. I thought it was just a joke, and it never dawned on me to open the packet.

Pwnmeal packetspwnmeal_4

Then I saw people huddled over the garbage can by the swag bag line, picking through the discarded bags like vultures. They were searching for Pwnmeal. “That must be some good fucking oatmeal,” I thought as I reached in my bag for my packet. I opened it up, and hidden among the oats was a stack of Cards Against Humanity cards.

Those clever bastards.

The next three days turned into a hunt to find all 27 cards to complete the set. While waiting in a particularly long panel line, we traded cards with the people standing around us and played trivia games with an Enforcer to win more Pwnmeal packets. A table was set up in the tabletop gaming area for attendees to grab cards they needed and leave their duplicates, all on the honor system. For the most part, everyone I encountered was incredibly polite and willing to trade — most were even happy to give away their extra cards.

I ultimately found all 27 of those damn cards, and I had fun doing it. Here’s the full set:

Pwnmeal card set

On top of all the Pwnmeal shenanigans, the Cards Against Humanity team released an exclusive 10-card set based on suggestions that were shouted out by the crowd at their PAX East panel on Friday night. The set was printed overnight and was available for panel attendees on Saturday and Sunday. The set was brainstormed, finalized, printed and distributed in a matter of hours. That’s pretty fucking impressive.

Here are the cards from the panel, along with the pin that panel attendees traded in to receive the set:

Panel setPanel button

I already plan to play “Hodor” as often as possible. That card is a game-changer. It can’t lose.

“(Heavy breathing) Luke, I am Hodor.”

“What the hell?! They added a 6/6 with flying, trample, and Hodor.”

“You think you have defeated me? Well, let’s see how you handle Hodor!”

“Unfortunately, Neo, no one can be told what Hodor is. You have to see it for yourself.”

I rest my case. I was sitting behind the guy who recommended “Hodor” at the panel, and I just want to thank him for bringing the card into all of our lives.

Pwnmeal tweeted the following on the last day of PAX East: “IT TURNS OUT OUR BUSINESS PLAN WASNT AS EXTREME AS OUR OATS MIGHT HAVE LED YOU TO BELIEVE. WE’RE GOING OUT OF BUSINESS.” For three short days, extreme gaming porridge was a reality. Let’s all remember it by watching the Pwnmeal commercial, which is too extreme for words.

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